the pokemon movies

the awfulness is pretty much summed up in the 12th one. the main baddy is god, like literally created the universe. so you'd think this might give him some sort of advantage but as far as i can tell the only thing it means is his voice actor sounds constantly constipated and can't form rational thoughts. the story basically starts on earth long after he created the universe and he saves earth from being destroyed by a meteor by sacrificing himself. wait, what? he created fucking planets but 1 meteor takes him out. ok fine whatever i'll just go with it, things are gonna get better, right? right? wrong.

so then after he's lying dying on the ground a human comes and saves him by finding the magical plates that make up his power. that seems like a pretty blatant weakness to give yourself. i mean its almost like god is trying to make himself easily killable. so as a reward god takes 4 of his plates that make him immune to certain types of attacks (like lightning, water, fire, and earth - probably the 4 attacks you'd never want to have a weakness too) and gives them temporarily to the human. at this point im fairly sure god is drunk throughout the movie.

skip forward a few thousand years and you get to ash, brock (who still does fuckall when it comes to being useful) and a generic bitchy girl named generic-bitchy-girl because assumedly misty committed over the alternative of being in this movie. well in a plot transition that'll go down for the ages, at that exact moment in the exact spot they are standing god begins to try and reappear. not only that but the other "main characters" of the story appear there as well.

the blonde haired blue eyed guy, who seems interesting at first glance, has about a total of 4 lines throughout the movie, 3 of his vasty assembly of phrases are "No! <insert pokemon name>" "Go! <insert pokemon name>" "<name said with much concern + japanamated concern eyes tm>" the girl has the bitchy element we've grown to love and expect from pokemon girls, but she's also got spirit and more importantly her iq, if only barely, hits double digits. this all would be nice if your eyes didn't throw up every seen she's in:

the only way this character design would be acceptable is if it had a paper bag. holy damn.

in a movie like pokemon where theres so much alien shit its important that theres something the audience can relate to. like in avatar it was the jake, in star wars it was whoever the main jedi hero was for that movie etc. but the masterminds at pokemon decided that the pokemon universe didnt really need that so they decided to give the main female character super powers and at the same time alienate the female audience (sorry ach, amaz). in star wars the jedi had the force, which was something like a super power, except it was cool, something the audience would want even if they couldnt understand it - everything her ability is not. she can speak to the hearts of pokemon except when they dont want to listen to her shit, which basically means its next to useless.

but fine whatever, a little while in pikachu gets sucked into a vortex caused by god, yet again, trying to reappear in the world. adding "appearing in a world that you created" to the list of shit god cannot do. luckily pikachu is saved by a legendary pokemon that rules over time (who is now gonna be known as time dude). so then another legendary pokemon (green dude) appears and attacks time dude because it holds a grudge over the course of 3 movies about an accident. cool. luckily at this moment the creators of pokemon remembered what made the 1st movie so good and decided that ash needed to run in there all heroic and sacrificial style and save the day. now in the movie before this one, ash saves and helps green dude. unfortunately green dude has something like late stage alzheimer's and it takes him about 5 minutes of fighting before he finally remembers the whole movie with ash... from like a week ago.

so at the point where green dude is about to go back to his homeworld, make-your-eyes-want-to-throw-up girl comes in and convinces him to go back. good job, you're officially as useless as you are ugly. they all go up to the temple and the boy girl explain that their ancestor thought itd be a good idea to betray god and keep the jewel (god's powers) and then try to kill god. surprisingly enough god is ripshit but decided to wait a few thousand years before taking his revenge because he wanted to get his beauty sleep beforehand.

god finally stops being a little bitch and teleports onto earth or whatever they call it. the girl takes the jewel and tries to give it to him but turns out its a fake. what a surprise, you mean the movie isn't 30 minutes long? after a few more minutes though, you'll wish it was.

god then uses a single energy attack that destroys mountains buildings and all da bitches who were in its path. thats what im talkin about. but wait... if he could use the all fucking power laser beam of death, why'd he sacrifice himself by running headlong into the meteor? i mean maybe it wouldn't work and he'd have to do it anyways, but it seems like it would've been a pretty good idea to try first. wait is that a empty bottle of jack by his feet?

so then time dude, green dude and space dude show up and start fighting god - the guy who created them - and decide the best course of action is to only use attacks he's immune to. then time-dude sends ash, brock, generic-bitchy-girl, and ugly as sin girl back in time to prevent god from being betrayed. there are 2 problems with this.

a. the only pokemon who can actually fight god just got sent back in time, leaving 3 legendary pokemon who are too retarded to use attacks that actually work fighting the thing that made them.

b. when you introduce something like time travel you have to realize its going to have more effects on the world than say letting young hermoine granger take a few extra classes.

the trip back in time basically boils down to, its a wasteland, the guy uses god's powers to make it lush n perddy, pokemon are enslaved, the guy's main assistant betrays the guy and uses a pokemons hypnosis to have him betray god.

lets skip to the pokemon are enslaved part. first of all they are enslaved by means of a harness attached to their back. how this has any fucking relevance to controlling them we will never know but apparently, the pokemon can't rebel because of it. on a side note the harnesses are apparently easy to break as demonstrated by ash's pokemon. for something that magically keeps the entire enslaved army of the humans (including a random legendary pokemon) at bay you might think having the harnesses be easy to destroy would be something of a design flaw. in addition you'd think god, who's a pokemon, might be a lil bit pissed off about the whole enslavement of its kind thing, but apparently he's totally fine with that bit and actually keeps helping the humans. what??? you mean you were betrayed by people who enslaved the rest of your kind? man what a shocker. at this point i am entirely convinced that the main message of the movie is that alcoholism is bad.

ok so god teleports onto earth without so much as a single hurricane, which begs the question why it was so damn hard at the beginning of the movie and then she-who-makes-eyes-bleed unwittingly betrays everyone else and delivers god right into the hands of the real bad guy. bad dude springs a trap and the enslaved pokemon, who were created by god, begin attacking god with lighting, which he's not immune to anymore. apparently gratitude doesn't exist anywhere in the pokemon universe. then the ceiling, which was rigged by ancient technology, collapses on god and then they dump "silver water" onto him. oh, i must have missed where they established pokemon to be the equivalent of werewolves. whatever god begins to get burrowed in silver water (which apparently hardens conveniently as soon as it touches god). at no point in this does he think it might be a good idea to teleport away or try fighting back.

luckily we've still got ash, the only character who seems capable of doing any fucking thing correctly. at one point even he gets pretty close to ridiculous when he jumps blindly off a ledge hundreds of feet above the ground to catch the sphere (thing that contains gods powers) only to do a few front flips twirling himself around a trapize doing a few more flips and then catching the sphere with his feet. but its ok, because ash is the shit. then the most heart warming scene in the movie takes place with ash crying out to go trying to get the sphere to him... it falls a bit short and lands somewhere between cold and absolute zero.

he finally gets the sphere to god who then is instantly revived at full power. fine, as far as the rest of this movie goes this makes complete sense. they're all transported back to their own time and the most ridiculous part of the movie follows.

god is still destroying err body, literally nothing has changed. he only stops when ash, and i fuck you not, tells him that he returned the sphere in the past and saved him. ive finally come to understand that not only is god an alcoholic but so are the rest of the producers of the movie. this part makes about as much sense as the fact that team rocket is still in the fucking show.
this sums up my view of team rocket


usually when time travel is involved a few things don't make complete sense and almost always theres one or two holes in the story. i don't even know where to start with this. the fact that changing the past had no effect on the future until ash reminded god is just too baffling for words.

that whole rant was true but almost all of it was just me joking. hell up to the end i thought it might be funny to write something about it, but this one scene was the deciding factor.

it has the three legendary birds in it: moltres, articuno, and zapdos. it also has lugia. team rocket have to work together with ash to accomplish w/e they wanted to accomplish in the movie

speaking of pikachu: "# Ash's Pikachu is the subject of many 'gamebreaking' abilities that normally do not fit in the general stasis of the games. This includes Pikachu's ability to sometimes hurt Ground-type Pokémon with Electric moves (sparking the meme "Aim for the Horn!"), and using moves that do not exist, or moves in a way that do not work in the games, such as the infamous "Thunder Armor" he also has used surf. "

Some of Pikachu's speech is consistent enough that it seems that some phrases actually mean something. For instance, Pikachu always uses "Pikapi" when referring to Ash (notice that it sounds somewhat similar to "Satoshi"). Other speech includes:

* Pika Pikachu or Pika-Pika Pikachu: My name is Pikachu. When Ash and his friends are introducing themselves to the characters of the day, he says this.

* Pi-Kachu: He says this during the sponsor spots in the original Japanese.
* Pikachu-Pi: Kasumi (Misty)
* Pika-Chu: Takeshi (Brock)
* Pikaka: Hikari (Dawn)
* Pi?: Used when addressing something unknown. Can mean, "What?"
* PiPiPi: Togepi (Togepi)
* PikakaPika: Fushigidane (Bulbasaur)
* PikaPika: Zenigame (Squirtle) or Mukuhawk (Staraptor) or Goukazaru (Infernape)
* Pi-kachu: Pochama (Piplup)
* PiPi-kachu: Rocket-dan (Team Rocket).
* Pi-Pikachu: Get da ze! He says this after Ash wins a badge, catches a new Pokémon or anything similar.
* Pi-ka: Used for multiple things such as "eiga" (movie) as seen during trailers for each upcoming Pokémon movie. Can also be used for "yes".
* Pi-ka-chu?: Are you alright?: When a character or Pokémon is injured, Pikachu says this.
* Specific names for Tracey, May, and Max have not been heard.
* Chuuu-Pika: Iron Tail. He says this when using Iron Tail.
* Piiika-Chuuuuuuuu: Thunderbolt. He says this when using Thunderbolt, "Pika" when charging up and "Chuuuuu" when discharging.
* Pikaaaaaa-Chuuuuuuuu: Thunder. He says this when using Thunder, like above but with different and a longer stress.
* PikaPikaPika... Pi-ka: Volt Tackle. He says this when using Volt Tackle.
* ChuChuChu...: Quick Attack. He may also say this when using Agility.
* PiPiPiPiPi...: Quick Attack. He may also say this when using Agility.